Perhaps once in my life I have dated another person, on a real date…where it felt like a true date should, with intimacy and lots of laughs and playfulness, openness and gentleness, an equality felt–yes, once.
Relationships with men happened much more than dating in my life, at the time at least, I thought that was what a relationship was. I ticked the box of being in a relationship, because I had a partner, but the truth was, intimacy was rarely felt in the relationships I was in.
The truth was, I did not feel close to or intimate with myself anymore, when I chose to be with someone else.
This closeness with myself–the joy and silliness that I have always known and have lived with myself, it somehow disappeared when a couple relationship happened. Needless to say, a lot of suffering then resulted with the continuous relationships in my life, knowing in my heart what a true relationship is, but never truly understanding what the missing ingredient was in the lived expression, because it felt nothing like what the heart knew.
When two people are together, most often than not, a lack of intimacy becomes the lived norm–couples sitting together but individually concentrating on their technological devices, for example–having lived this example myself, it happened in a progression as such: when one person initiates looking down on their phone while being with his/her partner, a deep frustration felt by the other from feeling and seeing that intimacy is lacking, surfaces. If this feeling (or emotion, when it has been allowed to become frustration for example) is not expressed, it then becomes a submission into accepting this practice as “normal”, and the relationship will now be built on such a foundation, if it had not already been.
A lack of intimacy in partner relationships happen, because we have chosen to ignore and not express what clearly does not feel intimate in the first place. We continue relationships in a way that we know they are not true, and then suffer and question what went wrong. In effect, we have not been intimate or loving with ourselves.
It is true that I have not dated men a lot, for not being intimate with myself could never have allowed me to be truly intimate with another.
But the truth also is–dated I have, and constantly, consistently, joyously and playfully with myself!
And this will be a new foundation nurtured in trueness, for true relating to unfold. It may not be the norm for now, but it is definitely truly enjoyable–a joy, warmth and fullness consistently overflowing. This intimacy like any intimacy nurtured in couple relationships, also allows the intimacy of others to be felt and expressed.
We can never really be single when we are dating ourselves all the time, can we?