As far as I can remember, life in Hong Kong, my birth place is about holding back. When we wish to say something, we will go for it as long as we reserve a little behind, just so we have some protection and not show all of who we are.
In winter, we hold back in layering ourselves with warm clothes, just so we won’t appear to be wearing too many clothes, even if it feels nurturing to do so. In summer, we hold back and say it’s ok, and not bring that extra layer with us when air conditioning is freezing in public facilities.
When we are feeling intimate with someone, we hold back and hold back some more until the other person makes the first move–and we could be holding back indefinitely because we are all waiting for someone else to initiate.
Before we do anything, we begin by apologizing or lowering ourselves, or start by reinforcing our ignorance. We keep ourselves just slightly hidden, in fear of standing out too much.
I have recognized all of these patterns one time or another in my own life.
Because we hold back and implode what naturally wishes to be expressed out, we go into an overdrive in doing and achieving for recognition–for we know deep within that we are not small but ingrained in believing that is how we have to appear–so as to be accepted, to be loved, but also to feel safe and be left alone–as appearing to be lesser than we truly are, we do not draw as much attention. So we have not been truly honest and we have hid in years and layers of niceties, which is not one bit nice at all, only appearing so.
Lying to myself is no longer okay anymore. As lying to myself I am in effect lying to everyone I come into contact with. I do not have any intention to lie, but agreeing to what is not truth within a culture, in a city, I have said yes to living my life as a lie.
Even though there is still much to unveil and unfold, there is a resolute within to return to truth and to present that and nothing but that–fully, with anyone and everyone, and that is a commitment to living my/our all.