For the last few years, I have lived in a household where constant emotional outbursts and violent destruction happens almost daily. In the beginning when this happened, I was in deep shock and felt very ashamed. I could not bring myself to ask for help. I felt very exposed of the relationship I had with my family, and blamed myself constantly for being a bad parent.
It was absurd that a grown up as myself was being controlled by the shocking emotions of a child. It felt deeply hurtful that one of the closest relationships I felt I had has turned conflicting. It was absolutely unacceptable that as a woman I was treated this way. And as a consequence, I reacted back, with abuse, and the cycle perpetuates.
All of these observations led me to ask myself many questions relating to how I have held myself as a woman, what kind of relationship I have had with my son over these years, and most important of all, what kind of relationship I was having with myself. There was a lot to take in, and it required a commitment to honesty that I have never experienced before.
It woke me up to the fact that abuse is happening close every day within my home, and I have not even registered it going on, and hence have allowed it to build up and become a harmful foundation. And I wouldn’t have had the awareness to realise this until, I began building a loving relationship with myself. Abuse as traumatic as physical violence happens not overnight, but it is the culmination of every little episode of abuse that I have turned a blind eye to in the past.
I had no solutions, and everything seemed overwhelming. But what I had the power to do was to be honest to myself as of how I was feeling that moment. I felt very vulnerable. I also had the power to allow myself to feel the depth of this vulnerability, and I did. In very fragile and distressed moments, I called the police. What I then felt was the deeply touching support, simply from human being to human being.
I opened up my fragility to the world. I also opened up deep honesty to myself, of how my past choices have led me to where I am today.
Change may not be instant, but I have the power to acknowledge and recognise every big and small situation in my household and in the world that is abuse, so that I no longer numb myself to it. I also have the power to let the world in, knowing I am not alone in this.
I am choosing not to remain silent on abuse and to also not escape its reflections on how I have directed abuse at others too.
I choose to take back my responsibility, my responsibility to be Love.