Abuse or Love?

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For the last few years, I have lived in a household where constant emotional outbursts and violent destruction happens almost daily. In the beginning when this happened, I was in deep shock and felt very ashamed.  I could not bring myself to ask for help. I felt very exposed of the relationship I had with my family, and blamed myself constantly for being a bad parent.

It was absurd that a grown up as myself was being controlled by the shocking emotions of a child.  It felt deeply hurtful that one of the closest relationships I felt I had has turned conflicting.  It was absolutely unacceptable that as a woman I was treated this way.  And as a consequence, I reacted back, with abuse, and the cycle perpetuates.

All of these observations led me to ask myself many questions relating to how I have held myself as a woman, what kind of relationship I have had with my son over these years, and most important of all, what kind of relationship I was having with myself.  There was a lot to take in, and it required a commitment to honesty that I have never experienced before.

It woke me up to the fact that abuse is happening close every day within my home, and I have not even registered it going on, and hence have allowed it to build up and become a harmful foundation.  And I wouldn’t have had the awareness to realise this until, I began building a loving relationship with myself.  Abuse as traumatic as physical violence happens not overnight, but it is the culmination of every little episode of abuse that I have turned a blind eye to in the past.

I had no solutions, and everything seemed overwhelming.  But what I had the power to do was to be honest to myself as of how I was feeling that moment.  I felt very vulnerable.  I also had the power to allow myself to feel the depth of this vulnerability, and I did.  In very fragile and distressed moments, I called the police.  What I then felt was the deeply touching support, simply from human being to human being.

I opened up my fragility to the world.  I also opened up deep honesty to myself, of how my past choices have led me to where I am today.

Change may not be instant, but I have the power to acknowledge and recognise every big and small situation in my household and in the world that is abuse, so that I no longer numb myself to it. I also have the power to let the world in, knowing I am not alone in this.

I am choosing not to remain silent on abuse and to also not escape its reflections on how I have directed abuse at others too.

I choose to take back my responsibility, my responsibility to be Love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One thought on “Abuse or Love?

  1. ‘…abuse as traumatic as physical violence happens not overnight, but it is the culmination of every little episode of abuse that I have turned a blind eye to in the past.’
    ~this is so important to be aware of, as everytime we let things go by, that we know are not ok, we are actually saying, yes, it is ok…

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