For more than 15 years I have worked with models and lately I offered myself to be a freelance model.
I was at a casting recently for an online video. The video was to film real people answering spontaneously about questions relating to relationships. During the casting with the film company, I was asked similar questions by a lovely lady Carrie who casted me. When Carrie called me on the phone, I could hear her matter-of-fact-ly work voice, wanting to get things done. So I responded to her as a person talking to another person, and felt her change instantaneously.
I showed up in the casting, just meeting Carrie in person immediately deepened our connection and I could now feel the care she was bringing to our communication, very different from when we spoke on the phone. When Carrie gave me a glass of water, took my measurements, led me into the casting room and asked if the air con was too cold, directed me into the filming, every step of the way I felt so held by her grace.
I could feel Carrie’s support behind the camera and it just felt natural to share myself. When the questions came, I could not stop the answers. Then a few more questions came. I knew what the answers the client was looking for, yet I also knew those answers my body could not produce without betraying itself. In a split second, it was a choice of whether I speak for truth or speak for self.
One of those questions were: Who do you want to be with the most at this moment? The truth to that would be me, and it will always be me. Not in a narcissistic way, but simply there is nothing more beautiful than the connection with myself.
I could feel Carrie’s ease and it was a joy to simply be me.
The final question that Carrie asked was: Who do you miss the most? I knew the answer Carrie was looking for again is a person, but the truth was, I did not miss anyone. So as the camera was still rolling, I started to share how I have missed many people throughout my life, to have come to the conclusion that missing anyone means a part of me is not with myself, and that actually feels horrible. I could see Carrie nodding in acknowledgement behind the camera. When the filming was finished, I remarked “not conventional answers, but I can’t lie to you.”
As I walked out of the film company, I knew these answers would not get me the job, but I already did my real job, and that it felt complete.